To prepare yourself for this talk, keep uppermost in your mind that adultery is a symptom of an existing problem in your relationship, not the problem itself. You have to get to the underlying problem, rather than focusing solely on the affair. This is where most couples go wrong. Don't get stuck in a no-win blame game!

• Your motive for confessing should be a genuine desire to improve your relationship, not ease your own guilt, vent anger, or get back at your partner.
• Be sensitive to timing. Consider your mate's energy level, mood, schedule, and events or crises she is already dealing with. If your afraid to tell or keep putting it off, consider meeting with a therapist.
• Reassure your partner of your love. Recall special times together with him or her and as a family.
• Use the fair fighting techniques discussed in Chapter 10 of Make Up, Don't Break Up.
• Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes. Be open to your partner's reactions-especially listening to and validating any feelings of abandonment and betrayal without anger or blame.
• Tell the truth about whether or not you plan to end the affair. If you want to make your marriage last, you must end it.
• Be willing to answer any questions about your lover-but don't give too many details. If you don't answer these questions, your partner will dwell on them, imagine the worst, and become obsessed. The less you tell, the more they dwell.

If you would like help dealing with these or any issues, Dr. Bonnie is available for telephone consultations and can be reached via mail, telephone or fax via the information listed below.